Killzone 3 [and 2]

Killzone 3.. What a fucking disappointment. No.. wait.. Let me start again.

Killzone 3.. What a fucking disappointment. Ahh shit, did it again!

Killzone 2.. What a fucking great game! With its stunning, explosive visuals and its always loud, always offensive sound design, Killzone 2 is an in your face, bite the curb, shooter. Lets get down to it..

Playing Killzone 2 is exhilarating. Every step you take makes you feel like a fucking badass in heavy armor, loaded to the teeth with weapons. Heavy weapons. Loud heavy weapons with enough fire power to kill a herd of stampeding monkeys. These monkeys are the Helghast. The British speaking, anime-nazi inspired, cheeky dicks who have the nerve to try and  protect their own damn planet from the invading ISA. Ahh, the ISA.. Loud, obnoxious, American grunts. I think the game had a story, but I wasn't paying any attention to it and if you play Killzone 2 you won't either. This game is all about shooting baddies. Every kill in Killzone 2 feels like another thunderous step towards victory. I can't express how good killing bad dudes feels in this game... but let me try... 

You feel the weight of your armor on your back as you stamp through the mud towards the broken cover in front of you. The sound of the war around you is ringing in your ears as bullets rip through the air inches from your face. *SLAM* your body smashes against the brick wall that separates you from a handful of bloodthirsty Helghast. You can hear them shouting commands to one another, trying to flank your position. You realise that you have seconds to act before your going to be riddled with enemy bullets. Its you or them.. Now, you have to act right NOW! You make your move. Your head pops out from cover and you stare the filthy bastards right in the eye. You can feel the weight of your rifle as you try to lock in on an enemies face. "fuuuuuuuuuuuuccckk...." screams the soon to be deceased anglo-nazi as you squeeze the trigger.  *BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG* your rifle fires with the force of the gods making direct contact with your foes body and recoiling up to his head. Guts and brains spill everywhere as the remaining Helghast dive for cover giving you merely seconds to recompose yourself for the next kill...

Yeah, every single kill in Killzone 2 feels just like that. Theres nothing much more to the game. But, thats all you need. Its brilliant!

Back to Killzone 3. The huge improvement over the last game is the variety of locations. The snowy mountains, the jungles, the junkyards and the battlefields. Also, the game now offers visceral and violently brutal melee combat system that feels great, if and when the fucker works properly. The big problem though is all the whiney Call of Duty wankers. Instead of spending time with Killzone 2 to get used to the controls, they spent their time on the internet crying and bitching about them. Unfortunately, they are the same idiots who will be buying Call of Duty 53 this year, which makes them the financial income for FPS game developers. Due to this Guerilla [the developer] decided to make the game more accessible for these people.. and this is probably the biggest problem with Killzone 3. It's lost its identity. Without the amazing feeling of the last game it has nothing. The graphics, set-pieces, characters, locations and style of Killzone 2 and 3 are pretty much identical. But, without the individuality and character in the controls it becomes a weak, run-of-the-mill shooter. 

So, if you want to play a ballsy shooter buy Killzone 2 because its better than Killzone 3.

Ratchet and Clank Future: A Crack In Time

I'm a Lombax with guns.. lots of guns.. BIG guns! I can turn enemies into dust in seconds. I can fill those filthy little fuckers with ripper blades, trap them in nets and electrocute them, or freeze them and shotgun them in the face. I have a rocket launcher and a plasma ray-gun that can obliterate them. In my pocket I carry Tesla coils and a sniper laser. These are just the basics. I can also throw enemies into a fit of dance-fever with my Groovitron, Summon dark creatures from the Rift and if all else fails theres always trusty old Mr. Zurkon. Before I move on, Mr. Zurkon is quite possibly the best fucking weapon EVER! 

"Mr. Zurkon does NOT come in peace."

Oh, I forgot to mention, not only am I the baddest mother fucker in the galaxy, but i also have a robot buddy, rocket shoes and a spaceship! 

This game is pretty special though. I can't help but think its a true gift to gamers and should NOT be missed. Our world seems preoccupied with realism, modern warfare, serious conflicts and awfully fucking foul mouthed soldiers. What your all missing is this absolute gem of a game. Its production values are through the roof, not with realism, but with some of the most beautiful, colourful and creative alien planets to grace the HD generation. Its full of genuinely funny characters and one-liners. The enemies are exciting to fight and your weapons are even more exciting to use. The game is split between three play-styles. One half is an 'if it moves kill it' type game. All the [upgradable]  weapons at your disposal with plenty of dick enemies to destroy. The second half is a puzzle/platforming game with some seriously clever puzzles. Not too taxing and a pleasure to solve. The third... ummmm, half?! is a space combat game [like starwing] which allows you to travel from planet to planet and shoot shit up.

I don't think I need to say anymore really. Its a fucking brilliant game, with fucking brilliant graphics and fucking brilliant characters. Its a decent length, has a pretty decent tale to tell and thoroughly entertaining throughout. Do yourself a favour and stop being a Call of Duty dick. Go and buy Ratchet & Clank future: A Crack in Time.

Mass Effect 2

Mass Effect 2. A space epic in which dudes get shot, burnt & tossed. Bitches get charmed, laid & slapped.. and YOUR the cause of it all!

Your a space dude, not any space dude, but commander Shepard! Apparently your the big dick around these parts. I didn't play Mass Effect 1 and didn't bother watching the backstory, so I missed a whole heap of shit. I spent the opening hours of the game pretending I had amnesia. It made things fairly interesting not knowing people that knew me and easily being able to shatter their hopes and dreams with the press of a single conversation button. On the subject of conversations, this game has a LOT of them. In fact, I would go as far as to say that this game is one long fucking conversation with bits of shooting, burning and tossing in between. If your not the kind of person who wants to get immersed in a tale, then this game isn't for you. The shooting/burning/tossing is good, but without the loooooong conversations its nothing. 

I actually liked this game. No.. I REALLY FUCKING LIKED this game. It sucked me in so deep that I lost a couple of weeks of my sad existence of a real life. The story is fucking great and the atmosphere is always amazing. You could be visiting a prison planet to fuck shit up just to satisfy some psycho bitch you want on your crew, even though you dont like her one bit and hope that she dies later on. What about snooping around a billionaires penthouse just looking for something to steal, or keeping your eyes peeled for the next victim you can set fire to. You could be wandering through a forest feeling incredibly suspicious about the not-quite-right locals, who your sure are going to try and eat you, or bum you at any moment. Or, when you've had a few drinks in the nightclub and your aimlessly wandering around verbally assaulting people just to try and start a fight. Wait.. I forgot about that nightclub. They need to hire new door staff. Theres always a queue outside, but the club is always fucking empty. Perhaps, if they let some more punters in, then the club would have a better atmosphere and I wouldn't need to spend my visits stumbling around picking fights with oversized aliens who are obviously going to smash my fucking head right in!? 

This game has a stupid amount of locations to visit and each one is just as interesting and spectacular as the last. But, each location is actually very limiting in where you can go. In fact they are pretty much corridors, but somehow the game deceives you into thinking that you are in a small part of a huge environment. This is what Mass Effect 2 does and it does it brilliantly. You always think that you are in a fucking huge universe making important decisions and every time you tell somebody to get bent, or make friends with a dickhead because you feel that they're just misunderstood, the whole universe seems effected and can turn on you. 

Outside of the fuuucckkkiiiinnnggg loooooonnnngggg conversations is the action, which is solid shooting, burning, tossing fun. You can choose to upgrade your entire crew with abilities and have complete control over everything during the fights. Its a 3rd person, over-the-shoulder deal with a pause ability to choreograph the outcome of your battles. Your cast of characters are all of the alien, humanoid, mutant variety each with severe mental issues [although mostly interesting] that your going to have to deal with during the course of the game. The game plays out in a talk, travel, action, talk, travel, action kinda way and somehow manages to always keep things interesting.

If you want a lengthy & quality production videogame [I tried to do everything I could and clocked in at 37 hours], with plenty of action, your into sci-fi and have power-mongering tendencies, then this is the game for you. Buy it!

also, you can have sex with the women!

50 Cent: Blood on The Sand

'50 Cent: versus the Middle East' uses more "mother fuckers" and more "niggaz" than any other game I can think of. It even has a 'taunt' button, which allows you to fire off a "Fuck off!", or a "Fucking die, nigga!" at will. This alone makes 50 Cent worth playing. 

While performing a rap gig in the middle east somebody misplaces 10 million dollars of Fiddys money. To apologize for this the gig organizers offer Fiddy a jewell encrusted skull as compensation. This skull belongs to somebody else, who then steals it back. So, Fiddy goes on a murderous rampage across the middle east to get back the skull [that doesn't belong to him anyway].

Many middle easterners, dressed like terrorists will die over the next 5-ish hours of gameplay.

The gameplay is pretty shit. The graphics are pretty shit. The story is fucking stupid. The music is non-stop 50 Cent pumping through the speakers and the language used is over the mother fucking top at all times.. But, somehow the game is VERY fun.

See, the game has a combo meter and score system. Theres something intriguingly satisfying about running from terrorist to terrorist shooting, swearing, punching, shooting, swearing, killing, stabbing, blowing up, swearing, shooting again and stabbing some more without stopping for time to rap. The "bing bing bing" noise tallying up your blood money score is like a little voice inside your head relentlessly encouraging you to go faster and kill, stab, punch and swear just one more time. The action is broken up by awfully scripted and nonsensical cutscenes, which are just as childishly funny as the rest of the game.

We laughed a lot while playing this game. Its stupid, ignorant, childish, needlessly violent and standard at best. It has the 'so bad its good' characteristic and for this reason alone [and the swear button] I would suggest playing it.

But, dont buy it! Steal it and call the shop keeper a mother fucker while you punch and stab him in the face.

Batman: Arkham Asylum

There are many heroes on the market, but this particular one decided to blow all of his dead dads cash on gadgets, weapons and armor. He then physically trained himself for many years and has now dedicated his life to punching bad dudes in the face. Batman is a bad mother fucker and this game proves it!

The Joker has taken over Arkham Asylum and unleashed, not only the thug-like goons, but also a plethora of mentally challenged [yet very appealing] super villains. You'll spend most of your game either sneaking, or strutting around and smashing the shit out of large gangs of inferior inmates. You do have plenty of cool gadgets to use [including x-ray vision], but punching people in the face seems to work just fine. The Super Villains are a highlight for the game. All visually interesting with great dialog they offer fun encounters [mostly involving you punching them in the face] and all do a great job of making the batman universe seem 'cool'. The Asylum itself is a pretty vivid place to explore and the visuals are definitely a treat to look at.

The game is way better than any of the Batman films have managed to be and has some really interesting story lines, set pieces and twists. Also, that dickhead Christian Bale isn't in it, which is a bonus. 

Its cheap to buy now, so no excuses!

Need for Speed: Hot Pursuit

Need For Speed: Hot Pursuit is a strap your balls to your head and fucking nail it kinda game. Its very fast and very intense [like good sex]. You get lots of exotic cars from around the world, the kind that we'll never have, and get to drive them like you stole them. Quite often sideways. The filthy cops are all over you, or, you can play as a cop and prematurely end these sneaky little racers lives. These crafty bastards have weapons, but not to fear as the racers have weapons of their own. Heated battles ensue. The visuals are stunning and the weather is unpredictable. I'm gonna say that Need For Speed: Hot Pursuit is the best arcade racing game I have played in years.. buy it!